When the legendary Eartha Kitt was asked, “who are you?” She answered, “The me who happens to be in front of you at the moment, that is the real me.” I want to reflect that sentiment. I am using this time to find myself. I don’t doubt that there are many iterations to come. I feel very blessed to be at this point.
I am writing from Charlotte North Carolina, on a one way ticket from the Bay Area. I will purchase a return flight at some point. My extended family said, “I can stay as long as I want to.” (Sofia from The Color Purple voice).
I am here in order to take a much needed break and to help my friend Traka move to Baltimore to pursue a masters degree.
The only feeling that I can confirm right now is that reparations are in order for me. Not by way of the sterile animal stimulus package but rather in a restorative catalytic sense. I petitioned the universe before coming here. I sent in a special request for the ability to really learn how to let go of nouns that do not serve me. It’s going to be a process of unlearning. My brain has been impacted by experiences, and the rehearsal of those experiences in an attempt to avoid trauma. All the while reinforcing a hardwired cycle that really had nothing to do with me anyway.
This trip is about seeing myself in the world differently.
This blog is as organized as I could present my thoughts, so bear with and ride the tangents with me.
Back to Charlotte
I visited Charlotte a few years ago, but this trip is different. This trip is so bo͝orZHwäˈzē that it made my citified ass feel country.
Traka allowed me to accompany her on her last day of work. It felt like take your daughter to work day. Do y'all remember that day circa the early 90s? Her assignment was to install art in Goldman Sachs lobby.
Now I don’t know shit about Goldman Sachs, but I would be lying if I said that name drop didn’t affect me. I think it affected the little girl in me. The one that is totally unaware of systemic hierarchical issues in society. The one that lights up around the shit seen and heard on the television. The one who is curious about everything. It's ok to be excited and want to find out more. It is ok to traverse spaces not originally intended for people like you. It's ok to go some place to learn more about something you’ve always been curious about.
Wisdom confirms that we all shit and eat the same way.
Being jaded comes at the expense of learning.
I didn’t allow the jaded part of my personality to set in, I think I really took heed to what I’d heard while listening to Charlamagne tha God’s audio book Black Privilege. On the plane he talked about learning more about cultures beyond your own. Pause. I am world traveled so I am definitely interested in cultures beyond my own. But at, “home” in America, I have to say that my focus the past few years has been Biggity Black, and female. There is nothing wrong with that because that focus is needed in the world. It’s been absent and I am here to make it present. However, I recognize how and why the fortress in my mind was built. It was built to protect my community therefore I am on the defense mentally. That gentle reminder from the audio book on the plane really reset a lot of things in my spirit. We are going to be ok, and if anything we need to learn more about the world around us to learn more about us. Learning to learn not to convict or fight all the time, there is a time, a place, and a use for everything.
I came here for a break, remember.
Fast forward a few frames to that very evening.
I didn’t believe we were going out more than one night. The last time I visited Traka told me we would go out and we went nowhere fast (still rolling my eyes at the reason years later). I didn’t believe her this time so I only packed one fit. Trying to be mindful and considerate with regards to not over crowding the car with excess luggage during the move. I like to pack light anyways. But I have a revision to my set of packing rules. Note to self honey always have a back up.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go out. I’d had my fill the night before.
My feet no longer enjoy parading in five inch heels boo.
I never believed older women when they said I had young feet. Now that I am older I totally understand. The balancing act that was once so amusing is now for the birds. One foot screams “fuck this”, and my knees be asking, “what the fuck is you out here doing?” So to avoid the friction I slipped on the blue platform sandals day sandals, and the black outfit I wore the night before (febreezed of course).
Yes, yes I have picked up partial doodie bootie tendencies, I know. I won’t say who I learned them from, but if only I wouldn’t have misplaced the only fuck I had to give. I am generally really compulsive about bathing. This time, I hit my ass with some sink water and said let’s go. A part of me is mortified by the sin I committed in my personal rulebook but whatever. Nobody knew and everyone had a compliment. Moral of the story is let go of all the body shaming and hot water wasted. If you’ve washed your ass within 24 hours chances are you are more than good for public consumption.
The doodie booty chronicles continue with this new life hack. We ran out of them disposable makeup sponges and so I used a dollar store panty liner to apply my foundation and that shit was flawless, fuck what you heard. No one was any the wiser.
Cut to: Traka and I arrive at the venue and all I want to do is go home and go to bed. There were so many people out, so many young folks. I am not old but I am old enough to recognize the seasons that have passed or so I thought. I remember remarking to Traka , “ do you remember the days when a dude could say something to you and you just was in all smitten…” Jaded as fuck.
But the universe has a way of checking me these days within minutes.
I had to eat my words shortly thereafter, while being metal detected at the club entrance. If you’ve ever seen me you know I suffer from chronic bouts with resting bitch face. Most of the time I’m thinking about or studying something. The security guard brought me right out of that with a few slick ass lines about not letting me into the club unless I smiled. He was so cute, so husky, and he had a flavor saver so I gladly obliged. Enable ear to ear mode. Yes. Oh and he twirled your girl around in last nights outfit and all. Owwww.
Perhaps all the jade in my spirit is what contributes to me feeling a lot older and often alienated from people my earth age. epiphany. I live in my own little bubble, off to the side, sometimes ineligible from what’s in front of me.
So Traka’s cousin Michael is a marketing guru, and he got us into the club with gold wristbands. My jade green grinch heart never even knew it wanted a gold wristband. So we in the VIP across from Shad Moss [side eye roll not because of his legacy but more so at his current behavior], gold wristbands, and rose with the sparklers in the top. Now I wouldn’t know what kind of rose because like I said my citified ass felt country. I can only liken it to the scene in What’s Love Got to Do With It where Silas tries to take Anna Mae out to breakfast after the club and Ike tells him to get lost, or “go buy him some cigarettes.” Anyway well there’s a part where Anna Mae [soon to be Tina Turner] is nervously knocking over the place setting. Ike asks, “what’s the matter, ain’t you never been to a restaurant before?” She, said, “of course.” Lying through her teeth with her unexposed country ass. (all of my movie references relate to stories of trauma and overcoming trauma in the end. epiphany.)
So we in VIP with the nicest southern dudes your money can’t buy because they ain’t letting you look at the bill or pour your own drinks. I ain’t accustomed to the kind of hospitality where a man asks you ever few minutes if, “you good.” I was like do I look drunk? Michael’s friend Old Man Earl said, “no, just checking on you to see if you need something.” Blues clue sound, well shit, when was the last time I’ve been conscious enough to be tended to? Maybe folks have tried and I just wasn’t accepting kindness or maybe the fuckery is real. Who knows? A bit of both could be the truth.
Let’s also talk about the notorious DJ shout out to the women who “bills is paid.” I shook my head and a lady behind me said, “right?!” I said boo, I live in Cali, I got student loans, worked for non-profit's my entire professional career, and I am currently unemployed.
Nonetheless, I’m here in the VIP section and honestly that is a recurring theme in my life. To be afforded situations that transcend my social location. I don’t got it in the bank but my associates do and they love on me enough to allow me to partake. Not in a freeloading kind of way because I do not carry that energy, but rather in a good company way. Haven’t you heard that is hard to find? Even with all my jade and issues from vogue I am still good peoples because I am me. The me you see in this moment.
I’ve had moments like this VIP section before, but I recognize this one as special. I wasn’t looking for it, didn’t think I wanted or needed the experience, but it ended up being just what I needed. I hope that’s understandable. I could have been irritated by a number of factors, but had to choose to let the baggage go, and have a great time. On the way so many things were out of my comfort zone, and normative behavior, calling me to improvise and stretch against the boundaries I’d set within myself.
Fast forward to the Waffle e not the waffle house the sign lost the h.o.u.s.
I took photos because for the first time, I experienced the waffle e under the influence. I thought I hated this place, well that is because I had it sober.
That place is to be enjoyed in an inebriated context. Golden fluorescent otherwise harsh ass lighting, waiters that are just as confused by your order as you are, folks lashes leaning, presses sweating, lace lifting, and dimples in booties smiling for no apparent reason. I understand why I am here, it's to revive my mind with happier memories, to focus on the higher vibrational energies. Appreciation for all of the things, even the things I thought I didn’t like.
Can we finally please note how sophistiratchet my life is, the experiences on this day were so disparaging, and I really really enjoy that aspect of my life. The way we access most things is unconventional.
Now I’m going to list the things I am unlearning: The idea that chivalry is dead, the idea that when you do not know people you don’t drink up they high priced liquor lol lol [they gave it to me], you always have to deep clean your ass before going out in public, the idea that the same people will see you in the same outfit two nights in a row, the idea that waffle house is trash (it’s not when you’re inebriated), the idea that we are anything but the perfect combination of sophistication and ratchetness, the idea that my financial status dictates my experiences
Things to be grateful for in no particular order: Fenty Beauty Products blended with dollar store panty liners, Traka, Michael, Shad Moss even in 2018, Rose, The Bouncer, Earl and his friends I’m so horrible with names forgive me, life and the way it teaches you how to live it, Black Privilege
Love y’all and learning how to love me.