How I heard about the transition
On my way to purchase waterproof clothing for Essie’s Love, Leadership and Liberation retreat early next week.
On the train, on my phone, looking @supa_cent IG without the app (I be needing a break from the feed but I do check in on the accounts that motivate me sometimes). The things Supa posts generally spark joy within me, but this post made every fiber of my being raise up. On the back of my neck on the left side it feels like something is resting on my neck.
Under a photo of Nipsey Hussle @supa_cent posted, “...Rest your soul King…”
Um, excuse me, what the fuck? The research side of me starts to google. Not that I didn’t trust Supa’s words, but I ain’t want to receive the message. Refusal to believe was the initial line of thought.
I’m just trying to figure out a way to process this kind of trauma. It’s larger than what I think. I just been walking around SF buying up shit I don’t really need. With one part of my brain saying you can always bring it back, return it, its ok. Probably a larger metaphor for how I am feeling about life right now. I know the Ross in SF like the back of my hand and yet today I rode the elevator the wrong way twice. I’m dazed and confused. Just standing in the same place wondering how long I’ve been staring at the same thing.
Technically in this realm or lifetime, I don’t know Nipsey Hussle as in I’ve never met him in person. But I know this narrative. I’ve seen people transforming their lives and the lives of others and historically it goes —dark.
Undergrad
The first time I’d heard about Nipsey I was in undergrad at UCLA, my Habesha (Ethiopian and Eritrean) roommate talked about Nipsey being a local rapper. I can’t recall if she met him or was in the same circles, but that was the first time I’d heard his name.
What’s pushing me to write this is although I didn’t know Nipsey’s music like the back of my hand I knew of his social justice and business ventures. The full range from clothing, to music, cannabis, co-working spaces, all of the things. Understood the magnitude of a Black/African man owning businesses and supporting the greater community. Seen him on a number of programs talking about his ability to sell his mixtape for $100 when other folks thought the shit was outlandish. I heard people talk about his business model being similar to vertically integrated companies. I asked, ‘what the fuck is that?’ But more importantly who has the audacity to successfully simulate a that kind of concept? Nipsey’s life made me ask questions I never knew I wanted the answers for.
“Nipsey’s life made me ask questions I never knew I wanted the answers for... ”
for the culture
The personification of ‘that’s some counterculture within the culture type shit’ I look up to. It’s strange I can respect certain rules, but I also don’t like people telling me what to do, I like to challenge rules so that they let more people that look like me in to evaluate and bend the status quo. Somehow that’s what his work ethic expressed to me.
Counterculture, doing and seeing shit in ways you aren’t supposed to and most times not allowed to in order to help other people see what they need to. Granting yourself access and thus making things accessible for other people.
When I’d first seen the co-working space Vector 90 I was astounded. If you’re a person of color and you’ve ever worked in a co-working space you know the kind of foolery that happens within those spaces, let's leave that there. Just the thought of a space owned or partially owned by a person that resembles you made me want to purchase a day pass.
I’ve seen the beautiful images Nipsey and his partner Lauren London took for Gentleman's Quarterly (GQ). I kept thinking they were transforming what legacy looks like in urban communities. Fucking stunning! It felt like elevation while remaining true to aspects of your roots. Just folks holding the audacious capacity to do dope ass shit anywhere, anytime, whenever, wherever. Two souls shining. Gradual transcendence is what I saw on them. Not no overnight shit, but a sturdy, methodical build over time. One that looked like it would last for generations.
I don’t think I realized until today how much I looked up to him. I was just happy to get a glimpse into a minds-eye I really innately understood and respected. It’s like every time I heard him speak he was making sense of some shit, so well rounded and respectful. Every time I read or heard something about him I got a glimpse into ideologies that affected the individual and the collective. Not on no cliche, “community minded” concept, this person was communal. He made it so that his life belonged to everyone. His life-force affected all of us.
The Process
I rediscovered at the end of last year my Acts of Faith: Daily Meditations for People of Color. Most everyday before I leave home I read an excerpt and reflect on it throughout the day. Today’s word didn’t seem to hold as much weight until I read about Nipsey.
““You cannot fix, what you will not face.” — James Baldwin ”
Aunty Iyanla don’t sue me for copyright.
March 31st
“You cannot fix, what you will not face.” — James Baldwin
I am grieving and I am allowing myself to do so. For someone I never knew on this plane of life. That thing Uncle James said you have to face. When I began crying which isn’t something I like to do for a number of reasons my past won’t give my present time to explain. I try and negotiate emotions. Ask myself if they are reasonable in a moment. This ain’t emotions this is ancestral, I feel this shit extends back into time.
Aunty Iyanla’s word today made me feel guilty. It talked about how much we as people of color are responsible for our own condition. I often believe in how we shape our realities. This shit is nightmarish. How did a thought, a word, and idea something I did contribute to this? Do we not know how to pray? Who to blame? As a collective Aunty talks about how we are in our current state of affairs because we have been disobedient to the will of God and the ancestors. Connecting all of it to what we see and how we take responsibility for ourselves. All that to say how being misaligned relates to fear.
Today I can affirmatively say someone robbed us as a community of an individual who emitted so much light. If it was a member of our community then we robbed ourselves. I don’t think it was, this feels like an assassination. Not trying to dig into conspiracy but he was going to make a documentary about Dr. Sebi (won a case against the state of NY for having cured AIDS they say). Most of us don’t know how to love ourselves so how can we love anyone else? Which ancestors are you talking about? Some of them have us in this situation today. But is that me blaming others for the current condition?
Ma’am imma be so honest they say your reality is what you made it, if I created this kind of shit in the world and I could just think this another way to generate another outcome for ancestors like Nipsey who is now an ancestor I would. If I knew what words to say during my prayer time to fix this shit I would, I swear I would.
If the dear sweet baby Jesus would fix it, I would ask in a heartbeat. If Oshun and them would fix it, I would ask with the same breath. In this moment I’m asking how?
The universe is trying to tell me something but I don’t understand the message right now.
It's really crazy because I’m almost done with the book the Alchemist that Celeste gave me money during the Black History designation to purchase from Marcus Bookstore.
““No matter what he does, every person on earth plays a central role in this history of the world. And normally he doesn’t know it.” — the Alchemist ”
Want you to know
I hope Nipsey knows now. I hope their spirit is showing someone something wherever “heaven” is on this plane.
The book also says, “Be aware of the place where you are brought to tears. That is where I am and that is where your treasure is.” — the Alchemist
The salt from the tears and snot is burning my face.
A real one transitioned today, I think he understood something we still need understanding.
He allegedly wrote on his twitter just hours before that, “It’s a blessing to have strong enemies.” — Nipsey Hussle
When I first read it that was ominous as fuck. Now I want to see it in a different light and say when you overcome your enemies you recognize how much greater your strength is required to be.
Instead of looking up to, I’mma look for alignment in the audacity to circulate and create counter cultural concepts that provide access to those denied access. I’m going to work even harder regarding this Love Leadership and Liberation retreat to create space for the leaders that are coming with hearts prepared to try and secure the love necessary to liberate us from whatever this is, I love you, and I love me because we have to in order to turn this thing around.
Take care of each other. Do your best to recognize life’s gifts.
Nipsey we cannot rest but know that you will bring peace to other universes. Thank you for every gift you’ve given us.